JuSt My JoUrNaL

I haven't had a relationship in three years and now I have decided to start a relationship with the most frustrating circumstances ever...He is in college and working really hard and I have a job and Connor...SO... What do I do when I really just want to go lay down next to him and let him make me feel better but I can't because he has practice or class or I have work or little gym with connor...he doesn't have a phone so I only get to talk on facebook....I need guidance

This used to be the cool place to write. I guess not anymore. I will check back some other time.

I need somewhere to vent so I am going to do it here.

Ct and I started our Childbirth preperation classes last night and I am hurt beyond all belief. First,he refuses to help carry the pillows because he had been working all day and he didn't get any sleep so I guess they were just so gosh darn heavy that it would have killed him to carry the two pillows twenty feet. Then he makes comments about how he thinks it is pointless for guys to take the class because they won't remember anyway. I told him if he was going to be negative the whole time he could call his mom and leave and I would sit by myself. He said no he would stay. I am thinking ok maybe he feels bad about the comment and he will try harder to at least seem half way interested. I WAS WRONG. He fell asleep fifteen minutes into the class and didn't wake up until we took a break over half way through. I paid sixty dollars for him to take a nap. Once the class was out I had to go potty so I went to the restroom and without missing a beat he went outside and called his mom. I went out, sat down and started crying. I will be the first to admit that I am a little emotional right now but for the love of god and all that is holy I am pregnant what do you expect. He says in one of his favorite annoyed tones " What's wrong now?" At which time I tell him that I was upset because I saw all the other pregos sitting in the class with thier men and the men were asking questions and answering questions, and commenting but the only sound he made the entire time was snoring. Yeah he actually snored even after I elbowed him in the face. After I finish telling him he starts going off on me about how I ask too much from him and he didn't get any sleep and he worked all day so he can get a car and I am never happy BLAH BLAH BLAH..... the end result is I tell him he is not welcome to come to the class next week and he is not welcome in my life either. He walked away and I got in my dad's truck and bawled all the way home.

So, certain people want to do things that they think is going to bug me but you know what I don't care what people think of me any more. I am officially completely indifferent to them I wrote a letter about a week ago apologizing for the things I said and the plan was that I would take it over to thier house along with a few items that belong to them. Mainly a t-shirt and pair of sleepying pants. Now I guess they don't want my apology or thier stuff back so I will burn both. I guess if they want to beat me up so bad that they are willing to wait 3 months until after my son is born then I would draw the conclusion that they are willing to wait 3 months to go to jail. This is my only warning to them: If you hurt me or try to hurt me, then YOU and WHOEVER is with you or near you will go to jail. I am not afraid of calling the police on people who threaten my safety. So thank you, come again! i will be waiting with phone ready to dial when the time comes.

I was told the other day that someone thought they were pregnant.While I don't know why anyone would want to have sex with this person I do know that I would laugh my ass off if they were prgnant because they made a lot of rude and stupid comments about my pregnancy. With that said I honestly and highly doubt this person is doing anything but attempting to make a very stupid joke to get attention yet again. So if people want to swoon about it go for it, that is what she wants anyway.

Now on to more fun and exciting stuff. CT is doing great at work he hasn't called in yet and he was only late once. I have been calling people and trying to get my very own better than steak n shake but still sucks ass job and I am about to start threatening people if they don't give me a job. I have even applied at taco bell where I had to make my own application and was told I would be the fourth girl working there. Anywho, I guess I will go for now and try to pick out a book that won't put me to sleep. Love to those who aren't to stupid...

You Are a Chihuahua Puppy

Small, high strung, and loyal. You do best in the city with a adults - young kids could crush you!

I am a tiny dog!!! Woo hoo!! I wish a was a chihuahua it would be fun!

Ich wurde und einsam einmal verloren aber jetzt ich habe einen Zweck gefunden. Ich habe einen Grund, zu bleiben. Mein Kind wird frei von den Dingen laufen, die hatten gequält mich und mit aus der Qual von Ihnen wachsen wird. Ich habe Frieden in diesen Gedanken in den Gedanken gefunden zu sehen, dass mein Kleinkindspaziergang bis zu mir und zu sagen, dass ich Sie Mamma liebe. Ich habe Trost in den Armen meines liebenden fiance gefunden. Er wird ein wunderbarer Vater sein, wenn Leute ihm eine Chance geben. Ich habe Liebe in meiner Familie gefunden, die noch unwirklich jedes jetzt und dann scheint. Noch insgesamt bin ich noch erschrocken. Ich bin von der Zukunft erschrocken, und wenn ich vielleicht eine gute Mutter sein könnte. Welches, wenn er ab läuft, und niemand wird mir helfen? Kann ich vielleicht ein Kind ohne seine Liebe und Stütze erheben? Ich errate, dass nur Zeit erzählen wird, und ich werde nur überleben, wenn ich die Wahl am Ende treffe.

Abuse: For some it is just a word and for others it is a reality...I am sorry that people have to go through it because I know what it's like...Please always remember to do what you have to do...no one should ever be victimized by some one that is supposed to take care of them....anyone who needs someone to talk to can email me and I will email them back with my cell number so we can talk...this is an important issue for me...so please don't ever hesitate to contact me wether I know you or not...-lovelydeath8 (alisha)

PS IT IS MY BIRTHDAY!!!! WOO HOO I AM 18!!!

I am sorry I was just saying I am tired of all of this...just stop the name calling EVERYONE...for the love of god ppl...big jen is right we all need to grow up including me...I am only adding to this drama charged topic... what's done is done...right wrong or other wise...I am sure we all have more important things in life to worry about...I know I do...I need to concentrate more on school than anything and while I don't remember everything it is what I do that wakes me up still screaming and crying so I am sure the events have held on to other ppls memories as well...remember and learn from your mistakes that is what I have always been told by my grandmother... well now is the perfect time to start learning... I need to grow up the real world is approching faster and faster and I am not even close to being ready...so for now...CHRIS or what ever you would like to be called now....TRUCE...I called it...I need it...you continue your life without us in it and we will continue ours... Go ahead and post to tell me if this is ok with you ok??? I am done with everyones mind games... and attitudes resulting from this...its over the game was unplugged long ago but somehow the power has kept running...smash it and everyone feel the satisfaction of knowing we are all going to be better off knowing we didn't intentionally keep this going...I never meant for any of this to hurt those I loved and now I see it is...justice will be done however fate decides to who ever fate decides...TRUCE IS CALLED...ball is in your court...-lovelydeath8

And in better news....I saw my cousins yesterday...my aunt and my three cousins had dinner and then drove around doing some errands she needed to run I had a great time and I enjoyed hearing them laugh and sing during the car ride...it was really fun and I can't wait to do it again...I love my family mom icluded although she still tikcs me off alot...maybe some day we can put our differences aside mostly mine and become friends again going out to dinner just the girls...looking at guys we would never want but commenting on their looks anyway...Maybe some day we can be a family again...that would be great to have them to turn to for advice again...have them want to come to my wedding...I am working on sorting out the things I need to get there little by little but only time heals all wounds so I guess time is what we all need ...I love you all- Lovelydeath8

This is the last straw I am tired of it... December (which as you all know I don't like to talk about) was almost a year ago...yet someone is too bitter to stop making stuoid ass fucking comments about things...Stop making comments about CT and your lost "love" if you had truely loved her you wouldn't have asked her to lie to the point that she could have lost everything... She is doing so much now... she has a job and is getting along with her family and she doesn't need you...doesn't want you!!! She's still my best friend and I love her with all my heart..as for ct i will talk to him about some of the things he has been saying...just end this please..before anything else happens that isn't going to be good for anyone...oh and about him beating me...thank you for your concern but mind your bussiness...you don't know what you are talking about and I don't care for you refering to me in any way shape or form...By the way about the false police report charges GO FOR IT you have nothing because it was not a false report the case was just completely fuck up by a couple idiotic assholes from the police department...what happened happened leave it in the past and move on with your oh so interesting life...see you in hell... -lovelydeath8

Neurotically Yours: Episode # 043: FAT-KINS
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FOAMY:
OK, I'M FUCKIN' SICK OF THIS FAT-KINS DIET. YOU FUCKIN' CARB COUNTING ASSHOLES REALLY
NEED TO STOP. ALL I HEAR OUT OF EVERYONE'S MOUTH IS, OH I CAN'T EAT THAT, IT HAS
CARBS.... WELL YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU NEED CARBS, IF YOU DON'T HAVE CARBS YOUR BRAIN
ROTS AND YOUR LIVER GETS DAMAGED. NICE. YOUR THIN, AND HAVE SOME WEIRD ASS MENTAL
DISSEASE AND A BAD LIVER. YEP, THE VANITY IS WORTH IT.

I'M ALSO SICK OF THIS FUCKIN' EXCHANGE PROGRAM, WHERE YOU MINUS THE FIBER GRAMS
FROM THE FAT GRAMS AND THE CARB GRAMS, TO DETERMINE WHAT THE CARB RATIO IS IN
YOUR FOOD. FUCK THAT. WHEN I PICK UP FOOD I'M NOT GONNA START DOING ADDITION AND
SUBTRACTION TO SEE IF IT'S A FUCKIN' MEAL I CAN EAT. HOW ABOUT JUST MINUSING SOME
FUCKIN' FOOD FROM YOUR EVERY DAY EATING BINGES YOU FAT BASTARDS. STOP LOOKING TO
SOME DEAD MAN FOR A QUICK FIX DIET AND JUST EAT LIKE A SESIBLE HUMAN BEING.

YOU NEVER SEE ANY FAT SQUIRRLES DO YA?
WHY?

BECAUSE WE EXCERSICE BY JUMPING FROM TREE TO TREE AND ONLY EAT NUTS. AND THE
OCATIONAL BAGEL THAT SOMEONE THROWS OUT.

STOP BEING SO CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR IMAGE AND JUST BE YOURSELF. IF YOUR A FAT
BASTARD, FINE, BE A FAT BASTARD. IF YOU'RE AN ANOREXIC JACK-ASS WITH A THYROID
PROBLEM, FINE...BE A TWIG. STOP DOING ALL THESE UNNESSECARY DIETS.

CAUSE YOU KNOW, ONCE YOU GET DOWN TO YOUR GOAL WEIGHT, YOU'RE GONNA BE LIKE:
"SURE, I CAN HAVE AN EXTRA PIECE OF CAKE, LOOK AT ALL THE WEIGHT I LOST. THEN BEFORE
YOU KNOW IT, RRRRRRWEEEEEEEETT. BACK ON A DIET CAUSE YOUR ASS IS FALLIN' OUT OF
YOUR JEANS.

JUST BE YOURSELF. EAT THAT TWINKIE. ENJOY THAT CAKE, BUY THAT EXTRA POUND OF
GOURMET CREAM CHEESE YOU ALWAYS WANTED!!! AND IF PEOPLE LOOK AT YOU FUNNY
BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO FAT OR TOO SKINNY, TELL EM TO FUCK OFF AND DIE. YOU DO NOT NEED
TO ADHERE TO THE IDEALISTIC VISION OF BEAUTY MARKETED BY FASHION MAGAZINES AND
NEGATIVELY RE-NFORCED BY A SOCIETY DUMB ENOUGH TO BELIEVE THAT BEAUTY ONLY
APPEARS ON THE COVER OF A MAGAZINE.

FUCK THEM ALL!!!

NOW WEARS MY WAFFLE SUNDAE?

I got a new avatar and i am happy...I think I'll go dance now...except I have to potty...potty first dance second...ready set go!!! I love you guys...-lovelydeath8

Yeah, Stewie....( what else did you expect it to be?)

hey what's up yall'...you guys need to update more because i have nothing to read at lunch...

I had a great day yesterday....Talked to jen...Went swimming....hung out with friends....I am so happy right now it is crazy...or I am crazy... either way...I had fun for the first time in forever...like real fun with no arguments...it was awesome...I wish I could have more days like that...CT and I got to watch a movie...which was cool and it had one of my favorite actresses in it...and now I am eating cookies and still in a good mood while chatting online with CT...I am slightly bored but then again...when am i not bored ...Well I am going to go now...I love yall'....I love you baby!!!!-lovelydeath8

And to simoramay....don't worry about what people think of you...you do what you have to do and forget about what everyone else wants you to do....

I hate everything....lalalalaaaaaa....I am homeless, jobless, and I am getting the feeling that CT is wanting to leave me loveless right now...but I guess I will just have to live with loosing everything especially if all my stuff really has been burned...I will call the police and get all my stuff paid for...I had very important things in there...and I swear that I will never forgive him if he did...or his son...and virginia can stay pissed for ever for all i care anymore...ahhhhh I hate it....I want to go shoot something....like a big giant tree...I can make my own target paper too...lol!!! muwahahahahahaha....I love you honey...and I hope you still love me...and to everyone who has tried to help I am forever greatful for everything...jen and kisha esspecially...loves ya-lovelydeath8